Five Thoughts on Thirty-Eight Years of Marriage

Today my lovely wife and I have been married for thirty-eight years; while it’s not in any way a record setting accomplishment, long lasting marriages can at times seem to be something of an anomaly these days.

We still look back (most days, anyway) at our wedding day with smiles as big as they were walking down the aisle, and that’s a near vintage photograph below of us sailing on a family member’s boat in Texas the day after we were engaged.

Marriage rates overall in the country have remained fairly stable over the past couple of decades, with roughly half of the population married, though that’s down almost 8% since 1990. As you’d expect, marriage (and divorce) rates vary somewhat impressively by state, and divorces are occurring less for those under 45, but rates are increasing for those older.

We’d never try to sell ourselves as the perfect marriage model to follow, though we count ourselves among the fortunate who’ve had a fulfilling and, for the overwhelmingly large part of the run, fun journey together. Thinking about our upcoming anniversary a few days ago, these five points came to mind.

Marriage is A Long Game. Once the honeymoon is over, and it does eventually come to an end, building a life together is a venture measured in months and years, not days and weeks. Particularly in this day where people seem to have expectations that hard work isn’t needed and we all deserve instant success – no matter what you’re doing – when some of the inevitable bumps in the marriage road pop up, there’s panic in the air.

I get that not all marriages are meant to be, but those marriages that have inspired us the most over the years have weathered some storms, suffered their share of growing and maturing pains, and eventually brought results that were and are far greater than the sum of the parts at their beginning.

Time, patience, and plenty of relational elbow grease can often combine to form a magical outcome; marriage, for most, is a long game.

Make Plans, But Be Ready for New Opportunities. My wife and I met midway through our college years, and as well fell in love envisioned living seventy years behind a white picket fence somewhere, raising a family, and building a life with old friends over time.

Turns out, we found we really enjoyed new communities, living and learning about different parts of the country, meeting new people and developing new circles of relationships as we moved a few times during my medical career. New opportunities can be rejuvenating, and there are always new lessons to be learned. Some of our best times have come when we accepted a new challenge when opportunity called.

Adopt the “Hey, We Can Do This” Approach. One of the most profound adventures we undertook as a couple started one day leaving a venue, stopping at the end of the drive, seeing a for sale sign blown down in a ditch, and saying “hey, we can do this”. That led to purchasing and repositioning a small horse farm and equestrian event center in Kalispell, Montana (yep, it sounds crazy, but ended up being one of the very best real-life business lab experiences for our entire family).

It has become something of a family mantra over the years, has seen us through a number of ventures, not all home runs in terms of worldly success and contribution to the family bottom-line, but working side by side toward common goals can be extraordinarily rewarding, and strengthen relationships in ways you never imagined possible.

Learn to Ignore Three Things. During our years growing up in Texas people used to talk about the pressures to “keep up with the Jones’”, referring of course to being envious of things your “neighbors” had – possessions, position, etc. and feeling angst (or worse) about your perceived inferiority.

One of the best things we learned early on was to absolutely ignore what the Jones’ were driving, wearing, or the new house they were building. Contentment and quality of life don’t have much at all to do with outward trappings; chasing material things almost always disappoints, as there’s always someone with a more expensive trinket coming into view.

And speaking of ignoring, one of the most valuable things a mentor taught us was to ignore what the masses were chasing and what’s popular (the context was investing, but the lesson is almost universal); the leaders are typically so far out in front, the rest of the herd can’t even see their dust as they chase them across the plain. Hanging out with the leaders and innovators is much more interesting (and fun) and you eat much less dust that way.

Finally, we learned the hard way to ignore most people who seem to be hell bent on telling us how to live our lives, and yet can’t manage their own very well. You know the type I’m talking about, and I’ll venture you have one or two in your own family to contend with.

Cultivate Gratitude and a Spiritual Practice. Medical as well as the health and wellness literature presents study after study suggesting that those who successfully cultivate a spiritual practice as well as a genuine sense of gratitude are, to perhaps state it over-simply, healthier and happier.

Finding a spiritual practice that resonates with you and yours is the challenge, if you’re so inclined, though for us, it has been an essential, and we cannot imagine life without it.

The health and wellness benefits of perceiving and expressing gratitude have also been well documented, and we’ll be delving deeper into the science and practice of gratitude here on OBL in the next few weeks.

Cheers to all you long-married folks out there, and may your next decade be your best.